With Love, Fennifer

Dear Tourist,

We've been having a great summer don't you think? Minus the month of June when it didn't stop raining. Other than that, I'd say we've had a good run. August was a beautiful month, sunny days, clear blue skies, and time spent in swimming holes. Its been four months, time sure has flown by, however I'd like to discuss a few things with you.

First, we're past that point in our relationship when your tourist questions are entertaining. I don't mean to offend, but don't preface your tourist question with a smirk and the phrase, "I know this is such a tourist question but...." If you already know you are about to sound asinine, just don't say anything at all. Or perhaps ask your question out loud in a dark room; if it sounds stupid in there, it sure as hell is going to sound even dumber when you ask it of me. And of course never ever, ever walk into Thunder Hole information station and ask, Where is Thunder Hole?......That poker by the fireplace will be inserted straight into your back side and not be removed.

Second, traveling is expensive. Especially in a slumping economy. That being said, if you can in fact go on vacation in this floundering economy, do not complain about the price of things. I can't remember the last time I went to a tourist destination and found things to be affordable and marked at a reasonable price. This relationship is never going to last if you are passive aggressive with how you're feeling. So, when I'm back there folding the t-shirts you haphazardly tossed back onto the shelf, don't make comments under your breath about how exorbitant the prices are. Try budgeting accordingly or buying fewer souvenirs that will mean nothing to you five years from now.

Third, when using a public bathroom it is never appropriate to leave any bodily fluids in, on, near, or around the toilet. I mean bathroom procedures are fairly universal whether at home or abroad. I suppose if you leave your bodily fluids in, on, near or around your toilet at home you might not realize that is totally uncalled for in a public facility. But I'm guessing like me and the majority of population, you keep things sanitary in the bathroom. In the future it would just be easier on me, not to have to clean up bodily discharges, unless they are my own.

Finally, I'd like to say that for the most part you packed well. You brought the extra socks you considered leaving at home. That rain jacket was a good choice, cause it rained pretty hard last Thursday and it saved you from buying an umbrella. Those sandals came in handy that night we went to dinner, and saved you from wearing those dusty hiking boots to such a nice restaurant. Those travel sized toiletries saved so much room, you were able to get the WPC and a t-shirt from Cadillac MT. That being said, next time you decide to hit the open road and get out of town for awhile; don't leave your common sense at home to gather dust with the week's worth of mail that's awaiting your return. Perhaps next time you pack up the kids and take the mini-van on a mini-adventure bring common sense along to ride shot-gun and make you look like less of an imbecile.

With Love, Fennifer