I wouldn't consider myself a typically angry or macabre person, but today, I wanted to cut a barista - hack her down to a bloody pulp. In the past I have made reference to the collective Crested Butte attitude problem, but today.... ohhhh, today, the barista really drove the last rusty nail in the coffin.........and I've spent a better part of the morning fantasizing about the most practical way to process her body into Aspen fertilizer.
This happened at about 7:45 a.m., and since we had no food in the house except the Ramen I prepared for lunch, I decided to be unwisely impulsive and treat myself to an employee-discounted Americano and Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese Burrito from the coffee house around the corner from work. I'd never had a burrito there before but thought "oh heck, it's my Monday, so I deserve a lethargy-inducing treat that I can't really afford."
Each sparing morning I treat myself, I round the corner and pray that the nice redhead is working, or the pregnant brunette who steams my soy and doesn't charge me for it. Most importantly, I check to see if THE HORRIBLE ASSISTANT MANAGER is working. If she is, I usually contemplate rerouting and settling for a $2 cup of Foldger's from The Bakery. But The Bakery doesn't spare me much 'tude either; I typically wait for at least one person in front of me to finish their closing statements to the nodding girl behind the counter about the importance of keeping corporate consumer culture away from sheltered little Crested Butte, a.k.a., humanity's last beacon of integrity; a rose-colored bubble enveloped by a materialistic, greed-driven world. At 7:45 a.m., I don't care for this hippie psuedo-intellectual crappola and wish they'd be a little more optimistic and proud of their darn country!! I suddenly feel a swell of inspiration to lobby Walmart to build a supercenter right smack in the middle of the National Forest, just to spite the people who made me wait.
My desire for espresso (and hatred for Foldger's) trumped any resistance I had this morning, as I stayed up late last night working on a watercolor painting. Entering the building with gritted teeth, I saw her - the one I dislike so very much - and anticipated the passive-aggressive interaction that would undoubtedly occur, a sacrifice I'd make for the stimulating effects of the beautiful, bitter coffee bean. This morning, however, she was surprisingly chipper - only mildly astringent - very out of character. She's the kind of person whose smile rarely meets her eyes when she speaks - now, I am hardly a body language expert - but I suspect there is a sinister entity posessing her mortal coil, because her soul is as dark as night. That's why I never make any effort to smile either, and instead give her a blank and slightly condescending stare which inevitably results in a 3-minute-long silent power struggle. To be even more patronizing and indulge my superiority complex, I briefly consider leaving her a tip this time if she behaves to my liking.
She claims victory as she fucks up my order once more, and this time I can feel it's on purpose. The lady in front of me had ordered a 12 oz. Americano, but then switched it to decaf after Ass Manager had made a caffeinated one. As I stood at the counter, Ass. Man. tried to give the it to the hairy coffee delivery guy, flirtatiously pleading with him. She was like, "you take it! It's free" and he was like, "oh no, I totally can't" and she was like, "why not?" and he was like, "'cuz that would be my fourth Americano of the day and another might greatly hinder my ability to effectively shred the nar nar'". Unable to pawn the free coffee off on the delivery guy, she set it in front of me and said, "I just made it, so it's still good", and charged me full price. By "good", she must have assumed I like verging-dangerously-on-lukewarm coffee. The decision was obvious:
NO TIP FOR YOU!
She microwaved my burrito, as the line behind me grew longer. I had to wait an extra 90 seconds for the burrito to be removed from the microwave while she pleasantly helped the next person. I was real excited about my burrito, so I could shrug off the negative experience that started my day. I got back to the office, unwrapped my foil-covered heavenly pocket, and took a bite into the burrito....... no sausage, no egg, just BEANS, retail price, $1.50 less than I had paid for the burrito I had actually ordered. It was too much of a pain in the butt to go back and return the burrito, so that's why I channeled my anger into a blog entry.
She should consider herself lucky that there's a counter between us; for mark my words: there will be blood.
~dillycait~
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Please note that if you were sucessful in rendering digusting empire (so-called wal-mart) into the lovely national forest I would not support you. however if there was a protest against said-rude behavior i would support you by standing by with folgers in hand reading out of silly magazines to each other to pass the time.
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